John is 17. His sight was damaged in a fight a few years ago. He's the only one of his mates who doesn't have a girlfriend. He says girls aren't interested in "freaks" like him so why even try? He spends a lot of time alone at home and seems depressed.
Caroline says…
John's mates have moved on but he's finding it difficult. No one likes to be different and he's too worried about rejection to even try meeting someone. But if he asks around (and his mates are honest with him) he'd find that getting a few knock backs is really common, and nothing to do with him personally. These are the years when everyone is making new friends and finding someone to go out with and its important to keep practising! It's the best way to get to know how to handle the ups and downs of relationships.
One way to tackle this is for John to develop interests that take him out of the home and into places where he mixes with others who are his age. Finding something he enjoys doing can build his confidence in himself. When we are fully engrossed in doing something that excites us - whether that's active things like sport, or interests like music - we are less concerned with how we are coming across. When we do these things with other people who like the same thing we also have something obvious to talk about.
Depending on whether John is at college, or planning to go to university, could make a difference. These could be fresh starts for him, a chance to make a new group of friends and try out interests he never thought of before. The more like-minded people we meet, the more likely we are to strike up conversations and realise not everyone is interested first and foremost in looks.
On the other hand, maybe John really is depressed. If he doesn't respond at all to attempts to get him more involved in things he likes, this could be the case. John may not have had much help to get over the traumatic effects of his injury. Other thoughts and feelings may be troubling him - was he an innocent bystander; was he actively involved in a gang? What has he been left with from these experiences that he needs a chance to work through? John could miss out on important milestones if he does not get help and support now.
What young people say…
This is something I can very much relate to, this time of a young persons life is always difficult. There is often pressure from friends that you should be in a relationship. The pressure is further increased when you see everyone around you getting into relationships. The best advice I can offer is for John to be himself. Go out and show that you're confident, don't think about the fact that you are visually impaired. People are interested in a real person, not someone who is pretending to be someone else. If someone is not prepared to accept you because of your visual impairment, then they are not worth it. You want someone who accepts you for who you are. My advice to John's family and friends would be to make sure he gets out and meets a wide range of people. To help practice his social skills and give him more confidence.
Ben Rendle
The advice I would give to John about finding a girlfriend is to consider what he is interested in. For instance, if one of his interests is music, he could learn to play an instrument, such as the guitar. His parents could help him research clubs in his area where he could learn to play it in a group, so he is meeting people at the same time. If John met a girl who was interested in similar things as him, he could become friends with her first, and then build that friendship into a relationship over time. He might find that this happened naturally if they both attended the club every week. In terms of building confidence, if John met a girl who was confident in herself, this could have a similar effect on him. If John is depressed, I would advise him to call one of the helplines provided.
Harriet Smith
Resources
-
Get Connected is for young people under 25 and puts you in touch with other organisations that can give specific help or advice. You can search their database or speak to someone by calling 0808 808 4994.
-
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is specially for boys and young men, recognising that they sometimes find it harder to talk about feelings. Contact 0808 802 5858 (London) or 0800 585858 (outside London).